By Our Sides

The great poet and philosopher John Donne once wrote, “No man is an island” – a wonderfully simple declaration that none of us is really alone and that we all exist in a world filled with others.

There are exceptions, of course, and I’ve run into my share of loners who resist the notion that we are all interdependent on some level. But as I’ve moved through the world and have met people I perceive to be talented or successful in some way, it’s been my observation that they have substantial support systems of one sort or another.

That support may come from a spouse, a life partner, a live-in companion or a boy- or girlfriend. Or it may come from parents or siblings – or a combination of any or all of the above. As I’ve grown in my personal and professional life and have for many years enjoyed being married to my beautiful wife Gina, it has become increasingly clear to me that, for almost everyone, being surrounded by supportive people is the key to success in just about every form of endeavor.

The reasons for this are myriad, but when it comes to being in business, I can think of nothing more affirming and reinforcing than having another person (or other people) beside you who appreciate what you do and how capable you are. And I’d say this is particularly true in creative fields such as watershaping, where you’re called on to be courageous in developing fresh ideas and confident in presenting them in what can be a cold, cruel world.

BETTER OR WORSE

One thing we’re often hearing in the media these days is that tough economic times are taking a toll not only on our professional lives, but also on couples and families in ways that can compromise or even destroy these key relationships. That’s both predictable and sadly ironic, because it’s exactly in tough times, when the world at large is treating us harshly, that support at home is more important than ever.

But we can’t blame current events for what happens in our lives: Ultimately, each and every one of us must take responsibility for the status of our relationships. When times are tough, it’s up to us to maintain and nourish our support systems, our “inner circles,” as never before.

I’m not a marriage counselor or a family psychologist, and I would never suggest that anyone should stay in a bad relationship for the sake of some abstract ideal. Rather, I’m suggesting that all of us can benefit from stepping back and routinely taking stock of the value of the people around us and pausing to appreciate how much they contribute to the richness of our lives.

In this way, I think we continuously define for ourselves the value of the support structures from which we benefit and do what it takes to protect them from the corrosive influence of times like these.

My sense is that it’s just human nature to want somebody to be there and listen as we express our hopes, ambitions and dreams – and, when we’re troubled, to help us celebrate our accomplishments and move beyond setbacks and even failures. On that level, I might even say that there’s little point in striving and accomplishing unless you have people around you who appreciate what you’re doing: What’s the fun of living in a mansion on the hill if you’re always alone in it?

In all of this, of course, it’s important that the people around you are indeed supportive: If you’ve ever been in a situation where your spouse or a parent demeans your accomplishments and won’t share your trials and tribulations in a positive, supportive way, then you know how difficult it can be to keep moving forward and preserve your own positive outlook.

In that case, those who say they’d rather be alone are probably right, at least in the context of their life experiences. But to me, that’s a much harder path to follow.

WHERE IT’S DUE

I wouldn’t begin writing a column on this subject without acknowledging that I couldn’t come close to doing what I do without Gina. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and it’s also not lost on me that although I was successful in my career before we came together, in the amazing years since she entered my life I’ve seen my working life evolve in ways I couldn’t have imagined.

What Gina has done for me, as is true I’m sure of other great spouses, is that she’s helped me establish a life and lifestyle that encourages me to pursue my best potential. She’s done it through encouragement, good humor, involvement in my business and bushel-baskets of patience.

Through the years, my career has developed in ways that have led me to travel quite a bit to meet with clients, evaluate sites and participate in construction management (not to mention trips associated with Genesis 3). This puts me on the road an average of seven to ten days each month – that’s a tremendous amount of time in a year, and while I bring Gina along on several of these trips, there are many times when I’m on the road and we’re apart.

I know from conversations I’ve had with others who travel this much that there are many relationships that don’t bear up so well with all of that separation and that maintaining equilibrium is a real challenge. These people have told me all too often that this means heading out on the road with anxiety or misgivings – and often to coming home to less-than-warm welcomes.

By contrast, I’m extremely fortunate in that Gina recognizes and appreciates the importance of travel to what I do, and she supports me in ways that enable me to leave home knowing that she’ll be happy to see me and looks forward to hearing how things went. Every time I leave, in fact, I’m thankful knowing that if the opposite were true and Gina didn’t see the importance of my going on the road, well, travel and everything that goes with it simply wouldn’t be possible.

(This, of course, doesn’t mean that she wouldn’t prefer it if I was home more; rather, it’s that she understands the importance of my travel.)

It’s important as well to bear in mind that all of this about travel and separation and patience is only one of the areas in which I feel supported: When I’m home, for example, the day-to-day rigors of my work can keep me busy for long hours – commonly well into the evening. I’m not alone in this: For those of us who have understanding spouses or partners who don’t resent the time we spend at work, we’re unencumbered and can keep up with the pace of our working lives.

KEEPING IT RIGHT

When I see the way other couples and families and have the chance to observe how they operate, it soon becomes clear which are working on the basis of support and which ones aren’t.

It’s tough to say exactly what it is that shows through – everyone’s different, of course, and I’ve also found that the second I thing I have someone figured out, that’s when I’m in for a surprise – but with people who have support, there seems to be a tendency to take chances and move into areas beyond their immediate comfort zones.

To illustrate, let me refer to my own developmental path once again (basically because it’s difficult to speak for someone else on such a personal topic): There was a time in my career when public speaking was new to me. Although I’ve since come to enjoy being in front of an audience, I was not comfortable at first, not in the least. Back in those days, I was in a different marriage in which I did not feel support – and in fact had the feeling that my failures were the source of some perverse spousal pleasure.

I won’t venture further into that dark territory other than to say her attitude made branching out into new areas infinitely more difficult than it might have been had I felt secure at home. And now, having had the experience of trying new things in the context of a profoundly supportive relationship, I can say without reservation that it makes an enormous difference.

And of course it’s a two-way street: In seeing the value of my current support system and in understanding the joy, power and importance of giving to others so they can lead happier lives, it is incumbent on me to return the favor and support Gina to the same extent she supports me.

It’s also incumbent upon high-energy creative types to offer that support no matter what the other people in our relationships do. If those who support us aren’t directly involved in what we do, it’s possible their work won’t be as stimulating and passionate as ours. It’s important under those circumstances to keep things in perspective, avoid becoming self-absorbed and do all you can to honor and value what they do to the same extent they honor and value what we do.

Just because some jobs are not as sensational as others does not mean the work has less meaning. Hard work of any sort should be supported, whether it’s maintaining the company’s books (as Gina does) or taking care of the kids full-time. Consider where you might be without that effort, without that constant support – or what it would mean in your life if you had to make sure the kids were fed, dressed and delivered to school on time all by yourself.

Whatever the situation, you must give as good as you get: Relationships work both ways – especially with respect to support and acceptance – and that’s amazingly important for those closest to us.

WIDER CIRCLES

As suggested above, networks of support are not necessarily limited to family members alone. Family may be the core, but it’s also important to recognize and appreciate the kinds of support that arise beyond the home.

There was a time (not all that long ago!), for example, when I viewed the profession of watershaping as primarily a solitary activity. Yes, I had some friends in the business and in the community, and there were always people I worked with in my own companies, but there was a notable lack of broader connections.

That changed for me in a big way when David Tisherman, Skip Phillips and I started Genesis 3 a dozen years ago. It was clear from the start we were not alone in our desire for enhanced professional education or for a sense of affiliation with like-minded people in the trade. I don’t think we quite recognized the latter potential at first, but since then it’s become abundantly clear that we and others were bent on developing a community of watershaping professionals.

Time and time again, I’ve been told that for all the value we provide in our programs, the sense of family that develops (not to mention the friendships and even partnerships that form) has an even greater value. Often it starts out small, with one person asking another for advice on a technical challenge. In so many cases, these basic contacts develop into something more valuable than anything that’s picked up in a classroom.

So now when I pack up, say goodbye to Gina and head off to a Genesis 3 event, I’m excited to renew business acquaintances, but I’m also getting ready to visit with friends – some of whom I’m certain I’ll be in contact with for the rest of my life. And I know I’m not alone in this, as I hear stories about people who end up forming partnerships or joint ventures, whose families travel together, who commiserate about challenges and share successes.

I don’t know how common it is to find so much camaraderie in organizations such as this, but in my case and others I’ve come to know through Genesis 3 and my association with WaterShapes, the value of these contacts and relationships is immeasurably vast.

REACHING OUT

Support of the sort I’ve discussed here can be found in any number of places – in a family, in a community, in professional circles and more. I happen to have found what I need at home and consider myself sublimely fortunate to have encountered it in a professional context as well.

And it’s not just about watershaping, as I’ve found support in other areas as well – particularly with respect to food and wine, my other great passion in life. This brings me to a last point I want to make: You can find your support systems in any number of contexts, whether it’s in the culinary arts, some sort of sporting activity, a hobby, a social cause, church, school activities or politics.

The key is to recognize that those opportunities are out there – and that you have to be open to them and at times active in seeking them out. As well, you have to be prepared to give back the support you receive and to do so without expectation or condition.

Truly, the more we share, the more we have. The more we give of ourselves, the more we become.

Brian Van Bower runs Aquatic Consultants, a design firm based in Miami, Fla., and is a co-founder of the Genesis 3 Design Group; dedicated to top-of-the-line performance in aquatic design and construction, this organization conducts schools for like-minded pool designers and builders. He can be reached at [email protected].