Ripples #94

Jacksonville Jaguars Build
Swimming Pools in Stands

Stephen Colbert of the eponymous “The Colbert Report” fame — and host-to-be of “Late Night” when David Letterman retires next year — recently took some well-aimed potshots at the NFL Jacksonville Jaguars and the two swimming pools the team has installed in its home stadium.

To build the pools, a two-level “party deck” and 16 cabanas, 9,500 seats were removed — no great loss, since the stadium hasn’t exactly been overflowing with fans. The team’s record of winning only 11 games over the past three seasons might have something to do with the lackluster attendance.

On a recent “Sport Report” (apparently correctly pronounced “Spor Repor”) segment of his show, Colbert did not hold back on slinging humorous zingers at the Jaguars. He opined, for example:

“The team’s senior vice president of sales explained, ‘We wanted to take areas of our stadium that were underperforming and get creative…’ Pools are a good start, but they should also tackle the stadium’s most underperforming area — that green, liney space in the middle. Let’s get creative in there. Y’know…maybe…maybe put a professional sports team on that thing.”

Of course, the thinking behind the pools is clear: There probably are plenty of well-heeled Jacksonvillians (not to be confused with Jacksonvillains) willing to fork over a mere $12,500 per game to sit in water and watch their team get creamed. While the price may seem high, it is for the entire super-package that includes 50 tickets, plus all you and your 49 closest friends can eat and drink — although Ripples notes that $12,500 could buy a helluva lot of à la carte hot dogs and beer.

If the ever-practical Ripples lived in northeast Florida, he would opt for skipping two of the games and using the $25,000 saved to build a pool in his own backyard. The money would even cover installing a huge, outdoor TV. Thus, Ripples and his friends could splash around while watching football for years to come.

But then, what does Ripples know?

To watch the very amusing “Sport Report” segment in its entirety — as preserved for posterity on TheColbertReport.com — click here.

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