Ripples #93
U.K. Public Pool Pioneers Special Lane for Men with Hairy Backs
Authorities in the East London suburb of Walthamstow have instituted what is likely the world’s first special swimming lane for gentlemen with extremely hairy backs, according to the Web site newsbiscuit.com.
The report notes that nonhairy lap swimmers were so worried about “ingesting curly hair floating on the surface,” they weren’t gaining maximum benefit from their workouts. The pilot “hairy shoulder” lane is a test project that, if successful, may be adopted by the whole country.
A lifeguard at the facility was quoted as saying:
‘It’s very easy for the hirsute swimmer to ignore the issue completely and carry on regardless. They see nothing of the devastation they cause to those behind them; the gagging fits, the abandonment of the pursuit of personal best times for swimming a length or two. This is long overdue if you ask me.”
The lifeguard added:
“[The concern over floating hair] really does slow people down, but we welcome this new rule; before it we would only be allowed to intervene over the speed thing if we saw someone engaging in other unsafe or distracting practices, like heavy petting or torpedoing old ladies.”
Even though Ripples does have a slightly hairy back, he thinks the special lane may be a good idea. Implementing it raises some interesting questions, however. How hairy does a back have to be for the swimmer to be sent to the reserved lane? Do the length, color, density and coarseness of the hair matter? What if hairy men relegated to the lane sue for discrimination? What about women with hairy backs due to genetic abnormalities, hormonal problems or excessive use of steroids? These are all issues that need to be considered.
Still, the dedicated lane for the hirsute did get a thumbs-up from swimmer Melanie Shafte, who revealed:
“If sputtering hefty men shedding swatches of body hair wouldn’t let me past, I’d take a deep breath and switch from breast stroke to crawl so I can ‘accidentally’ slap the soles of their feet to show my disgust, then head for the safety of the steps. Unfortunately they all seemed to take that as a come-on, so thank goodness the people who run the pool have finally seen sense.”
Oh… one final piece of information that Ripples has neglected to mention: According to Wikipedia, “NewsBiscuit is a British satirical news website. It was founded in September 2006 to create a new outlet for British humor on the internet by a group consisting mainly of comedy writers….”
To see one extremely hairy back whose owner definitely would have to swim in the dedicated hirsute lane, click here.
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