Compiled and Written by Lenny Giteck
Ripples Asks: Who — or What —
Really Killed The Donald’s Hair?
Ripples was shocked by this recent revelation on the Web site cheezburger.com: “Donald Trump's hair found dead in Las Vegas swimming pool. Autopsy set for tomorrow.” To see the actual front-page headline (which was all there was…no story attached), click here.
Ripples only hopes that the swimming pool in this case doesn’t end up taking a bum rap for the deceased tresses. After all, there was no real evidence to suggest the pool was to blame. Isn’t it possible that a strong gust of wind knocked The Hair off The Donald’s pate, dropped it in front of a speeding bus and then blew it into the pool?
In other words, couldn’t the swimming pool have been an innocent bystander? Shouldn't America’s pools also benefit from a presumption of innocence?
As if the sad news about The Hair’s demise wasn't bad enough, we now also know that The Donald has decided against running to be The President. Andy Borowitz of The Borowitz Report (www.borowitzreport.com) obviously was as taken aback as Ripples at the distressing turn of events. He wrote the following in a recent column:
Distraught at the news that Donald Trump will not seek the Republican nomination for President, the nation’s comedians took to the streets today, begging Mr. Trump to reconsider. The largest gathering of comedians took place in Mr. Trump’s hometown of Manhattan, where an estimated crowd of 400,000 jokers marched on Trump Tower.
“I for one am devastated that Donald Trump has decided not to throw his hair in the ring,” said Jackie LaRossi, a comedian who is a regular at Manhattan’s Chuckle Barrel comedy club. Shelley Schwartzenbaum, who headlines at the Komedy Kantina in Teaneck, New Jersey, added, “I guess he wanted to spend more time with the family of ferrets who nest on his head.”
Ripples has no idea whether ferrets or any other critters truly played a role in The Donald’s political calculations, but we do know this: Something smells here…smells real bad. (Wet, dead hair can be like that.) Ripples only hopes that had The Donald remained in the race for President, he would have released his full birth certificate to put to rest, once and for all, rumors that The Hair was of extraterrestrial origin.
Be assured that Ripples will get to the roots of this story no matter what.
STOP THE PRESSES! Just before this edition of WaterShapes EXTRA! was scheduled to go out, The Donald semi-reversed course and said that he might run for the Presidency after all. Although we have had a number of candidates with very little hair — Dwight Eisenhower and Adlai Stevenson come to mind — as far as Ripples knows, we never before have had a candidate with dead hair. This should be very intresting from a political standpoint. Stay tuned to Ripples for future developments.
More Info: To read about The Donald’s recent interview in Rolling Stone, in which the billionaire celebrity revealed his hair-care secrets and denied allegations that his hairdo is a “comb over,” click here.
Green Award Goes to Planned Public
Pool to Be Heated by Crematorium
You may recall the Ripples item (February 23 issue of WaterShapes EXTRA!) that described a plan in Redditch, England, to use waste heat from a local mortuary’s crematorium to heat the sports center — including a swimming pool — being constructed right next door.
Despite considerable controversy engendered by the plan, it has now won a highly coveted environmental award: According to the U.K. Web site birminghampost.net, the Redditch plan has garnered a Green Apple Award recognizing Britain’s most environmentally sound companies and organizations.
The lesson here: One person’s dead body is another person’s alternative energy bonanza.
Turns Out There Is Something
New(d) Under the Sun!
For those seeking that glowing, all-over tan, tripadvisor.com has published a new list of nude beaches around the world (“More nude beaches revealed!”). To find out where the sun-drenched, clothing-optional venues are located, click here; then click on the name of each beach to learn more details.
Obese Canadian Offers Free
Leslie Duff just may be the last person in the world to avail himself of the aforementioned nude beaches. The nearly 400-pound Canadian man (at 5 feet 10 inches) is too self-conscious about his size even to use a public pool while wearing a swimsuit.
According the Web site CBC.ca:"'I've always been big, and it became exponentially worse at two phases in my life...when I stopped organized sports and I got into business for myself in the food-services industry [working] at a pizza store,' said Duff." The breakup of Duff’s marriage and the loss of a job exacerbated the problem, according to the CBC article
Because Duff’s knees are in terrible shape, he sees swimming as his only exercise option. His hope? That someone with a private residential pool will allow him to swim alone on a regular basis in exchange for free pool-cleaning services or other household chores. To find a benefactor, Duff posted a classified ad on the Internet — but as of when the CBC report appeared, he had received absolutely no response.
Ripples sincerely hopes some good-hearted resident of the Ottawa area (where Duff lives) will take him up on his offer — and that swimming will enable the big man to get back on track toward a healthy weight.
Cruel and Unusually Wet Punishment?
Judge Orders Couple to Stand in Pool
Municipal Court Judge Michael A. Cicconetti in Painesville, Ohio, has ordered a young couple of put on swimsuits and flotation devices and to stand in a small swimming pool for two hours at an area food festival; they also must hand out water-safety brochures at the event for an additional two hours.
What incident led to the odd sentence? According to a report on the Web site news-herald.com, the pair entered a raft on the Grand River on April 23 “without life preservers or safety devices during a severe flood. A ranger observed their raft in the water with river conditions above flood stage and saw they weren't wearing life preservers. The couple eventually got on land, but lied when an official asked whether they were the people who had been in the water.”
The report continued:
At least nine [fire, rescue and police] departments were contacted to search for people in the water until 9:30 p.m. that evening. "It sounds like everybody but the National Guard was there," the judge said. "You're lucky you didn't get a falsification charge here. Lying to the police department caused this."
Cicconetti also has ordered the couple to apologize to every single person involved in the rescue attempt and perform 100 hours of work service because they don't have the money to pay back the departments.
Cicconetti said he allowed the couple to avoid jail because he saw it as a chance to educate the community in time for boating season.
Indeed, if the couple didn’t comply with the judge’s order, they faced a combined jail term of seven months. So while Ripples cringes at the idea of equating time spent in a swimming pool with punishment (clearly, the humiliation factor was the real punishment here), it appears that the judge’s unorthodox ruling was a good deal for the couple, considering the alternative.
Until next time, Ripples wishes you happy watershaping!